Jacob Mehrtens attempts to fight the laws of cricket
Controversy is again knocking on the door of Ranelagh Cricket Club, as X-factor player Jacob Mehrtens is now the subject of a special investigation helmed by the International Cricket Council.
It has been well documented that Mehrtens is the custodian of some immense opposable appendages. However, a once-forgotten appendix to the Laws of Cricket has resurfaced which could see Mehrtens banned from further play due to the size of his unnaturally large hands.
Most cricket players will be familiar with the 42 Laws of Cricket – where stipulations concerning player conduct and rules of the game are set out. Appendices A through to E provide the specific dimensions for the playing field, pitch, bats, wickets and keeping gloves.
This newly uncovered Appendix F supposedly sets out the requirements of players physical attributes, including personal appearance and body measurements. Of note, the Appendix F (titled Player Dimensions), prescribes that players’ hand measurements should not exceed the following;
- Wrist to top of middle finger: 21cm
- Wrist circumference: 20cm
- Palm height: 11.5cm
Unfortunately for Merhtens, the measurements of his massive mitts well exceed these metrics. Fortunately for fellow RCC player Morrison Bent, there are no such restrictions on the size of players’ heads.
Shockingly, Appendix F also sets out guidelines of players’ hair length and amount of body hair. While these guidelines are easier for players to adapt to, this would see several hairy members of both teams required to tend to their personal gardens before game day whilst under umpire supervision.
In setting up a defence, Mehrtens is likely to make the case that the measurements set out in Appendix F have since become outdated – with carbon-dating placing the document as having been made sometime around 1771 – and are therefore no longer applicable to current cricket players or his colossal hands.
Additionally, he will likely refer to the wrist circumference of fellow teammate Andrew Richardson – a girth of which is said to be of equal size thanks to countless years of rigorous forearm exercises.
Rumours are swirling that it was actually a member of the Moondah Cricket Club that tipped off ICC about Jacob’s ginormous graspers, likely in a bid to shore up their chances of a repeat victory in the Kunyung Cup. When approached for comment, MCC captain Mitch Drummond said that he “could neither confirm nor deny these reports”.
Further updates will follow once the ICC releases their verdict.
