7 for 7 off 7

Yes ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time of year again. We have the 7 players of the Ranelagh Cricket Club here. I’ve got 7 questions for you each. Let’s dive into our special segment, 7 for 7 off 7.

Jacob Mehrtens

Q1. Now, some people say you’re a bit of a prick. 

Is there a question to this? 

Q2. No, it’s a fairly unanimous sentiment. Follow-up question. Who do you think you are?

I am Jacob Vivian Mehrtens, cap #4 for Ranelagh Cricket Club.

Q3. Follow up to the follow up question. Where do you get off? 

In my bedroom mostly. Sometimes in the bathroom, or wherever I see someone sealing an envelope.

Q4. How would you describe your playing style?

Dangerous. If I’m not at risk of almost taking out children’s heads with my batting, I’m just as likely to bulldoze anyone who gets in my way. 

Q5. Have you been up to much training during your off season practice? 

My wife and I have built a house in the off-season, which I’ve found has been good for the muscles and for the upping of stress levels. Waving a 2.8lb bat around for an easy slog is going to be a piece of cake.

Q6. Endangered any more innocent bystanders recently? 

Well I am an oxygen thief, so I’m constantly endangering everyone who comes too close to me. My wife has to wear a respirator at home because of me. 

Q7. Who’s your tip for the World Cup? 

Italy. 

 

Tim Drummond

Q1. How many spreadsheets did you create for this tournament? 

There’s one for each team in the lead up for selection, and then there’s one for each team on the day. And then there’s 5 spreadsheets for the scoring – one spreadsheet for each innings and one for match total. And then there’s a spreadsheet for all the articles in the lead up. And then there’s the spreadsheet I used to take the player photos. and then there’s…. 

Q2. Do you enjoy regularly inflicting misery upon yourself?

Having to organize all of these Cups and tournaments literally takes up all of my days and nights. I’m supposed to be a teacher, but instead I’m an event organizer. 

But if I didn’t organize all these events, then I wouldn’t have an excuse to tell everyone that I’m time poor. Instead, I’d just have all this free time – and where’s the fun in that?

Q3. Okay, now a serious question. What’s it like living in Mitch’s shadow?

Sometimes, if Mitch has had a big day filming with Beau, he’ll be pretty  tired out and will take an afternoon nap. So I usually get my sunlight in during that time, for around 45 minutes. If he doesn’t go to Beau’s, then I usually have to take him to the park or the beach and try and tire him out with a run or by playing catch. 

Q4. Could this lack of sunlight be contributing to your fragile physicality?

I’m on a strict supplement regimen to help account for this. Vitamins A, B12, D, and K plus 5 dozen eggs a day to stay large. I’m hoping to up this soon to 12 dozen eggs a day so I’ll be roughly the size of a barge. 

Q5. How confident are you that you’ll be able to carry your Ranelagh team again? 

This is the one area that I’ve delegated out to other players. The boys know their roles this time around, and they know if they don’t perform, they’ll be cut from the team (provided I can find a replacement).

Q6. What’s the back up plan if the Cup gets washed out? 

After a healthy amount of uncontrollable crying in the fetal position, all players will come together and we’ll fill out a back-up spreadsheet that has some custom-built macros, which will run an automated virtual Kunyung Cup instead. 

Q7. Lastly, there are rumors that because you’ve recently gotten yourself an intimate partner, and that this has distracted you from your sporting duties and your ability to run this Kunyung Cup. Care to comment on this? 

No, I am still fully committed to the Kunyung Cup. Even if that means having some sleepless nights. And I have had many, many, many sleepless nights recently…. 

 

Mo Bent

Q1. You’re very slow. Explain yourself.

Well, the self is a unique and difficult concept to explain. 

It is used to refer to the person being addressed as the object of a verb or preposition when they are also the subject of the clause. When used in a sentence, an example might be “help yourselves, boys”

Q2. What is wrong with you?

I’m very very lonely.

Q3. Cricket is often described as a game of endurance. What have you added into your daily routine in order to prepare for the Cup? 

Well it’s Christmas time, Col. So I’ve added having an eggnog into the nightly routine – you know, to get into the spirit of things. Hopefully that’ll translate with me adding a few extra runs to my name

Q4. Certainly, if it doesn’t add a few runs to your tally, it’ll add a few inches to your waistline. I suppose you’ll be forgoing the protective gear with the extra padding then? 

Yeah I found the helmet, pads and thigh guard just inhibited my speed last time. I’m skipping them so I can unleash full power this time round.

Q5. Will you arrive at the Kunyung Cup on time?

I will be there without a doubt.

Q6. On time though?

Definitely attending the day.

Q7. What are the odds of you sticking around after the game? 

Outlook not so certain.

 

Andrew Richardson

Q1. Kunyung Cup is tomorrow! What will you be doing tonight for your preparation? 

I’ll be getting absolutely blind… that is to say, I’ll be blind, because my eyes will be closed as I’ll be tucked up in bed by 10:00 fast asleep…. Yes yes that should do it. 

Q2. Cricketing icon? 

I really loved James Pattison when I was growing up. So much potential, so many injuries – that really resonated with me. 

Q3. Now, one of your biggest letdowns last Cup was letting down a few easy catches. Have you had much catching practice since?

Catching? Do you mean ka-ching? Yeah I’ve been hitting up the casinos a fair bit. Dunno how it’ll help my game, but it’ll be nice to forget about my crippling debt for a day. 

Q4. I’ve been picking up on chatter that you might be called upon to be RCC’s #1 spinner. What do you think you’d bring to this key role? 

I’d be bringing decades of experience to my role as the team’s spinner. I’ve been spinning from a very young age – from spinning beyblades to spinning on the dance floor cutting shapes. 

Q5. T20, ODI, or Tests? 

What are these things? 

Q6. Do you even know what cricket is? 

Yes it’s an insect in the Orthopteran order of animals, a distant relative of the grasshopper.

Q7. Lastly, can you please remember to pick up your girlfriend’s jacket that she left behind at Mo’s wedding? You forgot to take back at preseason training.

Thank you Col.

 

Michael Evans

Q1. As one of the few Ranelagh players with actual real cricketing experience, do you feel a weight of expectations on you this time around?   

I mean, the baseline for RCC is pretty low as it is, and the baselines even lower for the Moondah team. So I think I’ll be fine

Q2. What’s one area that you’re looking to improve on from your last performance in the Kunyung Cup? 

I think I’ve really stepped up my sledging since the last Cup, now that I’m a tradie. With this added to my arsenal, I think I’ll be an unstoppable juggleknob.

Q2. Ahhh don’t you mean “juggernaut”? 

No no, definitely juggleknob. It’s more impressive to juggle knobs than to juggle naut. What’s the point in juggling nothing? 

Q3. Is there anyone on the Moondah team that you’re a little bit worried about?

Definitely Jimmy Graham. I know he’s a top quality sledger, so hell definitely put up a hell of a fight

Q4. Anyone who you think will be a complete pushover? 

Oh definitely the captain Mitch Drummond. We all know his skills are just for show, he’s not actually that good. We’ll wear him down. 

Q5. Are you a synthetic grass or a real grass guy? 

I prefer playing on real grass, it feels better in between the toes. 

Q6. How will you celebrate the win if your team does get up tomorrow? 

Easy – I’ll be getting a full back tattoo of the trophy. I’ve pre-shaved my back, and got the stencil ready to go!

Q7. Lastly – I’ve got some fencing that needs doing at my home, would you mind fixing that up for me champ?

I charge by the quarter hour. Plus call out fee. Plus a service fee. Plus a GST fee. Plus a materials fee. But sure. 

 

Sam Forster

Q1. How do you have so much body hair? 

A mix of genetics and diet, I suppose? 

Q2. Follow up question, *why* do you have so much body hair? 

I find that the people who say things like how you should “trim the bushes to make the tree look taller” are just compensating for *things*. I don’t need to do that, so the body hair stays. 

Q3. Ah wonderful! A bit of BDE from the 4-Star. How are you planning on bringing this confidence into your performance for the Kunyung Cup? 

Well, I usually carry it in a big potato sack wherever I go, so I imagine I’ll just do the same here. Never slowed me down between the wickets, and is always a good distraction to the opposition. 

Q4. Beware of being over-confident though. I’m hearing reports that you’ve been plugging in bulk hours on the PS5 playing Warzone. Has this been distracting you from the Cup preparation? 

Negative on that one, HQ. I am locked and loaded, ready for evac come 0900 hours on Sunday morning. Those tangos will be KIA in no time. Enemy won’t know what hit em.

Q5. In your mind, what is it going to take for Ranelagh Cricket Club to beat Moondah? 

You’ll remember that we actually thrashed them in the first innings. For some reason, this is a 2 innings 20/20 match – which some of the boys didn’t realize. If we can hold off getting tanked on the beers until after the match rather than at lunch, I think we’ll cruise this one home tomorrow.

Q6. Pineapple on pizza. Thoughts?

I think a better question is pizza on pineapple? And the answer to both is yes.

Q7. Last one – how will you be celebrating Christmas this year?

With a big old Bertocchi ham, and a little bit of Christmas pud. 

 

Cameron Wells

Q1. Ah yes, Cameron Wells. There was a lot of hype surrounding you in the lead up to the last Cup. But not so much time, given your performance.

Was this a deliberate decision from you to perform badly so as to make it easier for you to meet lower expectations for the 2022 Cup?

I always put on a fantastic top quality performance, and I’m absolutely confident that I’ll be able to do this again. 

Just as long as the weather is perfect. There just can’t be any wind at all. Or any level of moisture in the air or on the field. Or any grass on the field, for that matter. 

Q2. You know the weather forecast is looking like it’ll be a windy 27 degrees, with showers increasing in the afternoon? 

Ah… well, yeah. Safe to write that off then. 

Q3. In between Cups, you’ve since become the owner of a very boisterous dog. Is he a good boy? 

The goodest boy. The zoomiest, goodest boy

Q4. How do you plan on getting under the collective skin of the Moondah players?

As always, I intend to play some cracking excellent shots whilst batting, to really stick it to them. I feel one excellent hit against 1 bowler is sufficient before giving away my wicket. Cricket is a gentleman’s sport after all.

Q5. Do you prefer a baggy (blue) cap, or a white floppy broadbrim? 

Floppy all the way

Q6. Do you have a personal hero? 

Con the Fruiterer, without a doubt. His lifestyle speaks to my soul. 

Q7. Surely there’s someone else?

Nope, I’m an avid fruit fan. And don’t call me Shirley.